


A (Weird) Night At The Museum (or) The Night Captain Cold and Heat Wave Met Mary Sue (And Friends)

by Huntress69



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Crack, Established Relationship, Humor, Len And Mick Have Groupies, Len Has An Ego The Size Of Manhattan Island, M/M, Mick Didn't Really Betray The Team, Post 1x7 "Marooned", Sara's Cookies Are Weapons, The Team Is Like A Dysfunctional Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 11:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6853387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress69/pseuds/Huntress69
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The team hear the tale (and have running commentary) of Len, Mick, a botched museum heist in Central City 2014, and more-than-slightly unhinged hostages as they read an internet article (found by Kendra and Sara) - written/recounted by one of the hostages. Len's being crushed on by two of the hostages, while Mick meets his match in a mouthy one, and Len and Mick find out they have groupies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A (Weird) Night At The Museum (or) The Night Captain Cold and Heat Wave Met Mary Sue (And Friends)

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Beta by the lovely Lynda  
> 2) The kitchen is one of few places I think the entire team would be gathered together.  
> 3) I needed something off the wall after 1x15 "Destiny".

**Disclaimer:** Sorry, no time to disclaim. I'm headed out to a bar with Sara for drinks and a probable brawl.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"Well maybe if you'd told us your plans involving the pirates, it could have been handled differently," Martin was saying as he, Jax and Mick entered the kitchen.

"Your faces - which can't hide anything - would have blown my plan," Mick explained.

"Your plan?" Martin was being pissy. "Firestorm could have destroyed the ship!"

"I think you did well, Rory." Jax patted Mick on the back. "And I had fun flying around in here."

Martin countered with, "I did not."

"Yeah, I know." Jax sighed rather loudly. "I get to hear you in my head when we're together and I wish there was some way to shut you off." He turned back to Mick. "How come you didn't tell Snart? Nobody has a better poker face."

"Because Len would have wasted time insisting he could come up with a better plan, and mine was good enough." Mick groaned inwardly. "And he already gave me a lecture last night, so don't bring it up again."

"Some of the things those pirates said...." Martin's voice trailed off.

"They were wrong about one thing." Mick paused. "I never would have tossed my grandmother out an airlock."

"Well that's good," Martin said.

"Palmer, however...."

"Good afternoon, fellow time travelers." The object of Mick's torture entered the kitchen with a bright smile. "How are we all? Ready for a nice lunch?"

Mick made a fist behind him and raised it.

It was grabbed by Len who entered just then. "Mick, we talked about this."

"Yeah, okay." Mick pouted. 

"No murders in the ship." Len nodded to him. "That's what outside is for."

Mick smiled, but it was one of those rabid smiles that made people want to run to their room, jump into bed, pull the blanket over their head and hide. "Are we going to land soon?"

"No we are not." Rip entered then, not wearing his coat. "Not until Gideon is finished with the repairs."

"Where's your coat?" Jax asked him. "It's usually swishing behind you."

"I do not swish and I don't know." Rip gave Mick a glare. "It seems to have vanished."

"I'm sure it'll turn up," Len said thoughtfully, "eventually."

"It disappeared along with a bottle of my best brandy."

"They say," Mick started, "that Napoleon brandy is smooth going down and packs quite a kick."

"They also say," Rip sneered, "that Napoleon had a fondness for the guillotine."

"Chop-chop," Mick snickered, "and also, baiser mon cul."

"What did you say?" Jax wanted to know.

"He told Rip to kiss his ass," Ray supplied. "French, two semesters."

"You speak French?" Martin seemed amazed.

"No," Mick told him, "but I can say that phrase in 16 languages. You never know when it'll come in handy."

Sara and Kendra entered the kitchen with a reading pad.

"Did you two rob the Central City museum in November of 2014?" Sara asked the two rogues.

Len had to think for a moment. "Yeah, there was a thunderstorm that night."

"It was a strange night." Mick took a plate of cookies and sat across the room from the table where they were all gathered. "And it didn't go off as planned."

"How did you find out about it?" Len asked, a bit curious.

"We found a story on one of those third-rate internet sites." Sara sat down. "The kind that have true stories, but they're told from a...different...point of view than the regular ones."

"It was published in 2044." Kendra waved the pad. "Apparently the woman decided to share it in full after 30 years."

"Click-bait still existed well into the 21st century," Sara explained.

"Pass it over." Jax reached for the pad. "I want to read it."

"Oh no," Sara shook her head. "This article needs to be read out loud."

And so she began to read....

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_**A Night at the Central City Museum (or) How I Met Captain Cold and Heat Wave by Mary Sue Huntley** _

_Back in 2014, November 17th, to be exact, we went to the museum for the Van Gogh exhibit. When I say we, I'm speaking of my roommates Tara and her sister Steph. Steph needed to go for her art class and even though we bitched about it, she dragged us all along. Thankfully the night was to turn into something more than just a "boring field trip."_

_I feel after all these years, the whole (and complete) story can finally be shared._

_Please note that this has not been done strictly from memory. Although we didn't know it until the next day, Tara's phone recorded everything that transpired in the museum. I transcribed it and then we erased the tape. Nobody needed to know and we certainly didn't want to ruin the reputations of Captain Cold and Heat Wave._

_Sometimes when my mind wanders I wonder about them._

_They haven't been seen since early 2016; it's like they dropped off the face of the earth._

_Some say they made one big score and decided to retire._

_Others say they had plastic surgery and lived out their lives under pseudonyms._

_There was the one lady who swore she saw them get on some kind of spaceship and fly off into the night._

_Who knows?_

_I only hope that if Leonard Snart and Mick Rory are still alive and read this, they'll remember the night with as much fondness as I do._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"Reputations?" Martin looked up from his bowl of macaroni and cheese. "Is this supposed to be interesting?" 

"Kendra and I only read the opening, so we don't know," Sara told him. 

"I should have been more careful when we left 2016," Rip said. 

"We're never going to retire," Mick nodded. "Places to go, shit to steal." 

"Plastic surgery?" Len patted his chin. "Nobody is touching this face."

"You're sagging," Sara cracked.

"It happens to women also," Len shot back, staring at her chest. "Just you wait." He looked over at Kendra. "But not to this lovely lady."

"Thank you, Leonard," Kendra replied with a smile. "You're such a sweet-talker."

"I can talk sweet also," Ray said.

Kendra patted his hand. "Of course you can, Ray."

"You're probably doing heists in some unknown part of the world," Martin suggested to the two men.

"Heists?" Jax asked.

"I know the lingo," Martin told him.

"You usually don't see these things written by a hostage," Kendra pointed out. 

"You took hostages?" Jax shook his head in scorn. "And here I was starting to like you guys."

"It happened before," Mick said with a shrug.

"It did?" Jax was disappointed. "But you never killed any of them, right? Because, you know, innocent people and all that."

Len and Mick eyed each other; Jax didn't need to know certain things about them, and Len made a mental note to speak with Gideon about 'censoring' some of their criminal activities.

"Perhaps this will be interesting after all," Martin said quickly.

Mick nodded in thanks to Martin; he'd formed a sort-of friendship with Jax. He and Len actually liked the kid and Martin knew it.

"Like Mick said, it was a strange night; highly...unusual." Len picked up a cookie and attempted to take a bite. "I thought these were left from our stopover in 1935." He shuddered. "C'mon, Sara, didn't we make a rule you were not allowed to bake anything? This is harder than cement."

"Mick likes them." Sara nodded to their resident firebug, with the plate full of them.

"No I don't," Mick stated, and threw one across the room; Ray managed to duck just in time. "I'm using 'em for target practice." 

They stared at the refrigerator; there was a dent in it.

"Didn't we talk about you damaging the ship?" Rip scolded.

"Maybe I didn't understand you." Mick picked another cookie up. "Don't I have the IQ of meat?" He threw it at Rip, who batted it with his spoon; it bounced off and hit Ray's coffee cup, which shattered. 

"How many times do I have to apologize for that?!" Rip snapped.

"I'll let you know." Mick threw another one at Rip, but his aim was off and it hit the Professor, who had stood up to get coffee, in the crotch.

"Sorry, Stein," Mick said, and his face showed he genuinely meant it.

Jax winced. "You need to apologize to me, too!"

"That's right," Mick nodded, "you guys got that connection thing."

"Get on with the article," Sara said. 

Kendra took up the reading....

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_We were part of a small preview tour group and it was a small one; there were three other people plus the guide._

_We entered the Van Gogh area when at that moment two men entered with strange-looking guns and ordered everybody down. One shouted, "This is a robbery," while the other added, "I think they figured that out, Mick."_

_Yes, it was Leonard Snart and Mick Rory, aka the two super-villains known as Captain Cold and Heat Wave._

_Tara said something to Steph, and her sister screamed, "Are you fucking nuts?!"_

_Rory stalked over to us and loomed. "You got a problem?"_

_Tara was casual and in no way frightened. She just took out a cigarette and asked him, "Can I get a light?"_

_"Smoking's bad for your health."_

_"Who are you? My mother?"_

_He seemed to consider that and then flipped open a Zippo._

_"You can't smoke in here!" The tour guide announced._

_Rory turned his gun on the man._

_"I mean," the guide said, "she can if she likes. I have no problem with smoking."_

_The guy a few feet away from us said, "Cool," and lit up a joint, sharing it with his girlfriend._

_The other person was another woman about my age, who sighed and took out a book, quietly reading._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"So they robbed a museum." Rip seemed bored. "It's nothing new; they're hoodlums."

"Name calling is not nice," Jax said to him. 

"You tell him, kid." Mick threw another cookie at Ray.

Ray was prepared and smacked it aside with his hand; it bounced off the wall and cracked Rip in the back of the head.

"OW!"

"Yes! He scores!" Mick was pleased with himself.

"That hurt," Ray whined, staring at his hand.

Mick was smug. "Double score."

Kendra glared at Mick. "Stop throwing food."

Mick lowered his head. "Yes, Mom."

"And there's more." Kendra returned her attentions to the pad.

"More?" Stein asked.

Kendra went back to reading....

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_"This is the wrong room!" Rory looked around and turned to Snart. "Where's the damn diamonds?"_

_"It is the right room!" But Snart did look confused._

_The guide said, "I'm sorry, but the showing of the Kinatos Jewels Collection ended last night; the family retrieved their gems and the Van Gogh collection was relocated here."_

_"The paper said until Saturday." Rory seemed to be getting fidgety._

_"Well, yes," the guide confirmed, "but the family has the right to remove them and they chose to."_

_"Let's get out of here," Snart suggested, and the two men began to back out of the room._

_However at that moment there was a loud crack of thunder and the rain began to come down; we were able to see it via the skylight._

_Rory stared up._

_"You're not going to melt," Snart told him, and then sighed in defeat. "We'll wait until it lets up."_

_Snart's hood came down and his goggles came off, as did Rory's._

_I had an idea of what they looked like, they'd been all over the news and on wanted posters, but they looked very different in person._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Mick took a large helping of macaroni and cheese (enough for four people) and joined them at the table. "I kinda liked that mug shot from National City. They should have used it on all the posters, instead of the one from the DMV."

"Everybody gets a terrible one on their driver's license," Jax pointed out. "I think it's some kind of rule."

"Mine was nice," Len said, before he began to make himself a sandwich.

The room ignored him, and Kendra kept reading....

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_When I finally got a look at Leonard Snart, he didn't look too imposing. If anything, he looked kind of sexy, like a guy who should be posing for underwear ads on a billboard. Actually, he was better looking than the guy on the billboard opposite our living room window._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"What can I say?" Len looked rather smug. 

"Yes, Leonard," Rip said, "you're the fairest princess in all the lands."

How else could Len respond except with, "I could have told you that."

"Nothing wrong with your ego," Mick snorted.

Jax was grinning. "I want to hear more."

"Okay then." Kendra returned to the story....

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_I thought Snart had pretty eyes and I must have said that out loud, because the woman next to me stopped reading for a moment, looked at him and said, "He certainly does," fully agreeing._

_Snart pulled off one glove with his teeth and I heard her murmur, "Holy shit!" and yes, I knew what she was referring to._

_Who knew a man removing a glove could be so fucking hot?_

_The woman than gulped and added, "I hope he takes the other one off."_

_"Me too," I said to her, "and maybe he'll unzip his Parka also."_

_"Oh God, please, yes." She sighed softly._

_"What are you going on about?" Snart asked, giving us a glare._

_"Are you going to take off your other glove?" The woman asked._

_"Yes, please do." I was biting on my lower lip._

_Snart rolled his eyes and shook his head, but then the other glove came off._

_Book lady and I both made a sound that sounded something like, "Eep."_

_Snart just stared at us like we were both crazy._

_I noticed Tara was checking Rory out. I've known her since third grade. Tara always did go for big and bad._

_She was probably having fantasies about handcuffing him to a bed and molesting him._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"Big and bad?" Jax was laughing.

Mick's upper lip curled.

The look had absolutely no effect.

"Is there more?" Ray asked, leaning towards Kendra, trying to get a look at the screen.

"Yes," Sara told him, shoving him back in his chair. "My turn to read...."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_Snart and Rory were having an argument about their plan, which had been screwed up._

_"You said you checked things out." Rory snarled in Snart's face, but Snart was in no way intimidated._

_"I did, Mick, so give it a rest. It's not my fault things changed at the last minute."_

_"Yes," the guide said, "so maybe you should leave now."_

_"Unless you like Van Gogh." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. "But what do I know? Maybe you're Rembrandt kind of criminals or like looking at soup cans." I found myself staring at Snart's Parka. "Can you tell me what shade of blue that is?"_

_"Why?" He was immediately suspicious._

_"I kind of like it; it's a nice hue and it would be nice for my bedroom walls." I smiled at him. "If you could maybe cut a piece off I could take it to the paint place and they could match it."_

_"What is wrong with you?" Steph asked._

_"What? I've been looking for the perfect blue for a month now." I threw my hands in the air. "It's not my fault it's attached to his jacket."_

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"Let me get this straight," Stein started, "she didn't care that you were criminals, she just wanted a piece of your coat for wall paint?"

"I think it's a nice blue myself," Sara said, "and if Rip would let me paint my room I'd use it." She returned her attentions to the reading pad. "Now where was I...."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_We sat in silence for 20 minutes and then I heard Tara's stomach growl and she stood up, heading out of the room._

_Rory stood in her way, staring down at her. "Where do you think you're goin'?"_

_Even on tiptoes she barely reached his neck, but she didn't back down. "I'm hungry; I want food."_

_Snart nodded towards the exit. "We passed a snack machine, Mick, and I'm hungry too."_

_Rory grunted and left. A moment later we heard a crash, and a few minutes after that he returned with snacks, dropping them on the floor, with the exception of a bear claw, which he handed to Snart._

_The woman next to me said, "I'm on a diet," picked up a package of fruit snacks and returned to her book._

_Steph took the Doritos, I snatched up a danish, and the couple gathered quite a few other snacks._

_"Munchies?" I asked._

_"Yep," they answered in tandem._

_I saw the guide hadn't moved. "Snack?" He didn't answer; he was scared shitless. What a weenie._

_Tara stared at the remaining items and narrowed her eyes at Rory. "No Snickers?"_

_"Tara, shut up," Steph told her. "I'd like to be buried, not cremated."_

_Tara ignored her and gave Rory a death glare. "You go to a snack machine and you don't bring a woman any chocolate?"_

_Rory's mouth dropped open; he didn't seem to know how to respond to that. I have to assume most hostages - actually most people - were too terrified to get smarmy with him._

_"What kind of man are you?" Leave it to my best friend to not back down, especially when it came to her sweet tooth._

_Steph quickly interjected with, "She didn't mean it, Mister Heat Wave, sir. Brain damage. I think she was dropped on her head as a baby."_

_"I was not!" Tara bared her teeth and I could have sworn steam was going to come out of her ears. "I want a Snickers!"_

_Snart turned with his back to everyone and his shoulders were shaking; it was clear he was laughing._

_Rory made a hand motion and for a moment I thought he was going to reach out and strangle her; his reputation for violence was well known._

_Instead he fled the room and there was another - this time louder - crash._

_Ten minutes later he came back, hauling the snack machine on a dolly. "Take all the fucking chocolate you want."_

_Tara gave him a polite, "Thank you and I take it back; you're a gentleman," and took a lone Snickers. She then held out her hand to him. "Milky Way?"_

_He took it from her, not saying a word._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Sara was in the midst of a giggle fit.

"How much of this is true?" Martin was incredulous. 

Len said, "All of it," before he took another bite of his sandwich.

"I like Milky Way's," Mick told him.

Since Sara was in no condition to read now, Kendra took over again....

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_I don't know how much time passed, but what I do know is that Tara was wringing her hands while her eyes followed Rory, who was pacing. He suddenly stopped and turned to us - well to Tara. "Why the fuck are you staring at me?"_

_Of course Tara never had brain to mouth control. "I'll answer you, but I need to know which explanation you want: G, PG, R or NC17."_

_Rory did a doubletake and his eyes grew wide as saucers. "Whaddya mean NC17?"_

_"I have a wild imagination and you are so fueling it." Tara looked happy as a kid at Christmas. "You should come downtown sometime to The Fix."_

_Rory's mouth dropped open. "That's an S &M club." _

_Tara looked him over from head to toe and back up again, pausing at his crotch. "I know."_

_Snart choked on a piece of bear claw._

_"Mister Cold...." Book lady started._

_"It's Captain," I corrected._

_"Yes, of course," she continued, "he makes it hard to think."_

_"Truth," I sighed._

_"What do you want?" Snart asked snidely._

_"Mis...sorry... **Captain** Cold, are you going to take off your Parka?"_

_"No."_

_"But this nice lady," she glanced at me before she returned her attentions to him, "did want to see the color closer, and as for me, I'm having definite NC17 thoughts about you and well, seeing you without it would help me sleep later on," she paused, "and give me some nice dreams."_

_"Oh yes, me too," I nodded, "but my thoughts are way beyond NC17. They've gone into pure porn territory."_

_Book lady also nodded; we were in total agreement again._

_Snart opened his mouth a couple of times, but nothing came out._

_"And the thigh holster is a very nice accessory," book lady added._

_"It certainly is." I found myself staring at it. "Total truth. I'd actually like to remove it - with my teeth."_

_"Do you take medication?" Snart asked me._

_"No." I met his stare. "Do you?"_

_Steph began to hyperventilate. "We're gonna die, we're gonna die."_

_"Shut up and eat a Three Musketeers." Tara stuffed one in her sister's mouth, wrapper and all._

_"So, Snart," I couldn't resist, "you ever think about modeling? I work for an agency...."_

_"They do nudes," Tara piped up, "and you have a nice ass," her eyes moved to Rory again, "but not as nice as his. It looks spankable."_

_Snart looked offended._

_Rory looked mortified._

_"Hey, Rory!" Tara actually leered at him. "If Snart takes off his Parka, can you take down your pants so I can see it up close and personal? And maybe give it a whack or two?"_

_I swear I never saw anyone **literally** turn that shade of red._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"That was more than we needed to know." Martin said, shaking his head.

"Oh, right," Sara laughed in his face, "this coming from a man who participates in orgies."

"It was only one, Ms. Lance, and I will never get drunk and speak with you again!" Martin folded his arms.

"I certainly didn't need to know that," Jax said, "but I do need to hear more of this story."

"To continue," Kendra said....

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_Sometime later Rory decided to point his gun around the room; I saw he was ready to fire...well in his case, quite literally fire._

_Tara stood in his way. "No, you can't!"_

_"Look, I let you run your mouth off," Rory brought his face an inch away from hers, "but I'm done, so don't FUCK WITH ME ANYMORE!"_

_"You don't scare me." Tara flat out told him. "I work in a nursery school." She poked him in the chest. "You think you're tougher than a three year old who doesn't want to take a nap?"_

_My eyes met Snart's and I saw the corners of his mouth were twitching; he was again highly amused._

_"Look, Mick - can I call you Mick?" Tara didn't wait for an answer. "MIck, you might set fire to the Van Gogh's." She waved her hand around the room. "They're irreplaceable."_

_"She's got a point there, Mick." Snart sighed. "I like Van Gogh. I mean, if it was Monet, I'd let you have some fun, but not these." He glanced up at the skylight. "Rain stopped; time for us to go."_

_"Do you have to?" I asked, and then snapped my mouth shut._

_"Yes, we really do." Snart actually seemed disappointed._

_They were headed for the exit when the sounds of sirens were heard in the distance._

_Snart and Rory stopped in their tracks._

_"The police are going to arrest you," the guide said with a sudden air of bravado._

_Without a thought, Snart turned his gun on the man and froze him solid. "There's always one in a crowd."_

_"Yo, Snart!" I shouted at him. "Can you put her," I nodded to Steph, "on ice?"_

_"No, please don't." Steph grew pale and whimpered._

_"If you do that for me, I'll do something nice for you." I licked my lips. "I hang out at The Fix also."_

_"Don't even think it, Lenny," Rory warned him._

_"Don't listen to him, Lenny!" I blurted. "I don't wear underwear when I go."_

_Snart glanced over at Rory and then shook his head at me in a clear apology._

_I got to my feet and tossed Tara the phone._

_"You have a death wish?" Rory asked me._

_"No, I want a photo-op." I stood beside them and Tara took a quick picture. "Thanks." I returned to the group and sat back down beside Tara._

_"Why did Snart's eyes go wide?" Tara asked me._

_"I grabbed his ass," I told her, and then noticed Rory glare again at Snart; the look was murderous._

_Leonard Snart was in for punishment later on that night, I was sure of it._

_"Don't forget, Mick!" Tara grinned at him. "Remember what I said about The Fix; Tuesday is bring your own paddle night."_

_I could see Rory was thinking about it and this time he shot Snart a hopeful look._

_"No, Mick."_

_Rory shrugged and then looked at all of us. "We're leaving and if anyone tells which way we went, we'll find you." It was a warning. "We can find anybody."_

_"You can find me at 279 West Kalinda Ave, Apt 4B," Tara happily told him. "671-8492 - my cell, 24/7!" She scrawled it on a piece of paper, "So you don't forget," and shoved it down his pants._

_Rory blinked at her._

_"I groped; it's big," Tara nodded._

_"I live there, too," I nodded to Snart, "and you and your Parka can come by any time. Oh, I'm 953-2467."_

_Steph looked like she was going to cry. "I'm moving tomorrow and my number is unlisted."_

_"Bring your cold gun," I added, staring at Steph._

_"I'm at 914 North Linden, it's a yellow house on a cul-de-sac and I make a mean Chili Con Carne," book lady said. "Also, I work at the Barnes and Noble at the corner of Cramer and Edgefield. If you like to read, I can get you a discount."_

_"We go to Central City U and live in the Flinster dorm, Room 305." The young man nodded to his girlfriend. "Feel free to come chill, especially if you need a place to hide out."_

_"We always have beer," his girlfriend added, "and weed."_

_Rory's stance seemed to soften. "We might take you up on that sometime."_

_"You're all insane," Snart told us, "I like that." And then he added, "Now close your eyes and no peeking while we leave."_

_"You mean escape the clutches of the law," I said to him. "That sounds way cooler."_

_Tara grinned at me. "You made a pun just like he does."_

_"I did, didn't I?" I found myself cracking up._

_Snart gave us an eye roll. "Just do it."_

_We all did as we were told, putting our hands over our eyes._

_The cops entered a few minutes later and the couple, her bag stuffed with vending machine food, said they hadn't noticed where Captain Cold and Heat Wave went. It was clear they just wanted to get out of there._

_Book lady explained that she hadn't looked and they could have disappeared in a puff of smoke as far as she knew. We were going to get together over the weekend to discuss Leonard Snart._

_Steph was so happy that Snart and Rory were gone that she just gave a general statement and fled._

_Tara and I were last._

_After speaking to the police (and The Flash), we told them that the two villains had gone out the East exit and they mentioned something about a car._

_We had in fact seen them heading for the door that said "Roof Access" but we decided it would be more fun to screw with the cops._

_Plus we don't like The Flash and think his costume is stupid._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"Is it almost over?" Jax asked. "I want to find out how it ends."

"Actually," Martin smiled, "I do as well."

"That was all of it." Mick grabbed another cookie and waved it in Ray's face. "Hungry, Raymond?"

Ray pushed away from the table. "You can't make me eat it!" He pursed his lips and shook his head.

Mick threw it across the room.

"Wonderful." Rip sneered. "You just cracked indestructible Plexiglass."

"I guess it's not indestructible," Mick laughed.

"Who needs weapons?" Jax mused. "We could just throw these things at Savage."

"Shut up!" Sara picked one up and ate it. "Delicious."

"It's that assassin training," Len pointed out. "Lesson 47 - how to protect your intestinal tract."

Sara punched him in the arm.

"OW!" Len turned to Mick. "She hit me."

"So she did." Mick smiled. "I'll beat her up for you later, Len." He paused and gave Sara a malicious grin. "Gideon can replace any teeth again if necessary."

All eyes turned to Sara. "It was a lucky punch."

"Three of 'em," Mick added with glee.

"Maybe next time I'll hit you somewhere Gideon **can't** repair."

"More proof that you are no lady."

" **Anyway** ," Len nodded to the pad, "as Mick said, that was it."

"Oh no," Sara shook her head, "there's more." 

"More?" Len and Mick asked in tandem.

"Yes; they did leave the museum after." Sara sighed as Ray was halfway in her seat trying to read. "Fine, Ray, you can read some."

"Really?" The scientist looked like a kid at Christmas. "I've been told I give an excellent narrative."

"Just read, ya flake," Mick ordered. 

"Okay." Ray grinned. "Here goes...."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_When we got back to the apartment, Steph headed for the alcohol, while I sent the picture to everybody I knew._

_I glanced out the living room window at that stupid billboard and decided I was right - Snart should be an underwear model. Although nude would be good also._

_Tara just bitched that she should have also groped Rory's ass when she had the chance. "The dick was nice but I **really** wanted to grab a hold of that ass."_

_Steph shook her head and made a remark that although Leonard Snart seemed somewhat intelligent, Mick Rory looked like he had the IQ of a flea._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"At least I'm not alone," Rip muttered.

"I heard that!" Mick bellowed.

"Somewhat?" Len was insulted. 

"Finish it, Raymond," the Professor insisted.

"No," Kendra said, "it's my turn again...."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_Tara was a bit upset at that remark and told Steph to take it back._

_Steph refused and then said that Rory was probably "too stupid to even know that 'Tab A' went into 'Slot B'."_

_Before I could stop her, Tara attacked Steph._

_I let her get in a few punches before I pulled them apart._

_I told Tara not to get too invested in thoughts of Mick Rory, because if she had been paying attention, she would have noticed that 'Tab A' went into 'Slot A'; Mick Rory and Leonard Snart were most certainly fucking each other._

_Snart also seemed like the kind of guy who's into bedroom acrobatics._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Kendra stopped reading, her eyes on Len, shook her head and focused back on the article....

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_Steph couldn't leave well enough alone. She made another crack about Rory over breakfast, saying that he was a "sociopathic, totally psychotic pyromaniac."_

_Tara began to grind her teeth._

_Steph then made the mistake of adding, "He should be in a straight-jacket."_

_Tara got to her feet._

_Steph 'harrumphed'. "He doesn't have much in the looks department either."_

_This time I did nothing when Tara leapt across the table and attacked her sister._

_The wiring should come off of Steph's jaw in about six weeks and we've consulted a plastic surgeon about her nose._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

"Sounds like you guys have groupies," Jax stated, quite impressed.

"We're just wonderful," Len drawled.

Mick was sulking. "I know I'm not as pretty as him," he nodded to Len, "but am I that bad?"

"Don't sell yourself short, Mick." Kendra leaned across the table and gave him a kiss on the cheek. 

"Personally," Sara said, "I don't like pretty boys." She gave Len a pointed look. "There's usually not much going on between their ears." She leaned over and gave Mick a kiss also.

Mick's cheeks flushed a slight shade of pink and nobody said a word...except for Ray.

"Aww, you made him blush."

Mick leaned across the table and growled.

Ray whimpered.

"Down boy." Len grabbed Mick and pulled him back into his chair. "Heel."

Mick turned to him, mouth agape. "Did you just compare me to a dog?"

"Woof!" Kendra laughed.

"How would **you** like a few teeth knocked out?"

"How about I wing out on you?"

"Oh yeah, wing out on me, baby." Mick looked her over. "Sounds kinky."

"She only wings out for me," Ray smiled.

"RAY!"

"Well you do."

"Can we please get to the very end?" Rip asked. "All right, I admit it, I'm finding it intriguing."

"My turn!" Sara shouted....

**~~~~~~~~~~**

_Last night Tara and I drank a bottle of wine and talked about tops and bottoms._

_She's convinced Snart bares his ass to Rory._

_Me, I'm not so sure. I kind of think Rory likes to receive._

_We argued about it for a little while and then we decided that we were going to slash them._

_Super-Villain RPS._

_Who would have thought it?_

_Then we tried to invent a name for them, because a name can either make or break a pairing._

_Captain Cold/Heat Wave just sounded too ordinary...and boring._

_I liked Snart/Rory._

_Tara didn't; she thought it should be Rory/Snart._

_Mick/Len; Len/Mick._

_Tara suggested Captain Heat._

_I was partial to IcyFire._

_But by the time we were done with the wine, we had one._

_ColdWave._

_Yeah, that fit them._

_2,198 words later we had a tale about them stuck in a cellar, soaking wet, in freezing weather, and having to strip down to share body heat._

_You can find the story at the **Wicked RPS** site, if it still exists, along with the seven others we've written_

_To end, we always wanted to thank Leonard Snart and Mick Rory._

_And in case you're reading this, Snart, my bedroom walls came out beautiful._

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Sara finally finished reading and asked, "Who tops?"

"You mean they're really...." Jax couldn't finish his sentence.

"We switch," Mick said, totally uncaring of who knew. "It keeps things exciting."

"That's..." Ray paused, "...nice?"

"You one of those right-wing homophobes?" Mick was leaning across the table again. "I'll fry your ass right here and now."

"NO!" Ray quickly replied. "Everyone is equal to me."

Kendra's wings came out.

Mick coughed as they hit him in the face. "Okay, maybe not so kinky."

"What's RPS?" Len asked.

"Real people fan fiction," Mick answered him. "See, the IQ is not meat."

"Higher than meat, lower than a flea," Rip cracked.

"Okay," Len said, "so they wrote a story - stories - about us. I can deal with that."

"It's slash, Lenny," Mick said tongue-in-cheek. "Don't you know anything?"

Len was still confused. "And that is what exactly?"

"It's when two people of the same sex are written about together," Kendra blurted.

"Oh." Len nodded, and then his eyes widened. "OH!"

"Interesting," Martin nodded to himself.

Len turned to say something to Mick and noticed his partner wasn't there. "Where'd he go?"

Jax stuck his thumb towards the doorway.

Wondering why Mick had left without a word, Len went to go find him.

**~~~~~~~~~~**

Len found Mick in his favorite 'hiding spot', in the back of the engine room. He had discovered that when Mick wanted to be alone, that was where he disappeared to. Nobody went there. Mick looked like a six year old who just had his candy stolen. "What's the matter with you?"

"I know what Lance and bird-girl said, but...." Mick rested one elbow on his knee with his chin on a fist. "People always look at you, Len, always saying how pretty you are. Must be nice."

This mood was one Len was very familiar with, even thought it didn't happen often. It occurred when Mick was beating himself up over something; Len was the only one who ever witnessed this mood. 

People tended to overlook the fact that Mick Rory was a human being with actual feelings. 

Leonard Snart was the one person who **never** forgot. "Mick, do you remember prison?" 

"What about it?"

"Pretty boy lips - so good for cocksucking. Pretty boy face - maybe we should mess it up." Len bent his head to catch Mick's eyes. "My old man once said I was prettier than Lisa and I should have been a girl." He paused. "Before he broke my nose...the first time." Len lifted Mick's face and kissed him very softly. "I don't care what you look like. I love **you** , remember?"

"I guess."

"You guess?"

"I know you do." Mick smiled a little. "But sometimes...."

"I'm the pretty one," Len swung around and down so he was in Mick's lap, facing him, "and you're the handsome one." He slid his arms over Mick's shoulders. "Between us we have all the bases covered." He slid his tongue between Mick's lips for a deep, and rather lewd, kiss. "Better now?"

"Yeah, I am." Mick nodded. "You always know the right things to say."

"I'm just amazing, aren't I?" Len rested his forehead against Mick's. "Bed?" He attempted to get up, but Mick pulled him back down. "Or we could fuck right here."

"Can I just hold you?" Mick lowered his voice to a soft cadence.

"I'd like that." Len rested his head on Mick's shoulder; moments like these with Mick were **very** rare - he enjoyed them when they occurred.

Mick held onto him for a good five minutes, before murmuring, "I love you," into Len's ear.

Len lifted his head so he could look into Mick's eyes. "You've never told me that before."

Mick initiated a kiss; he kept it just this side of filthy. "I should've." He got quiet and seemed to be in deep thought. 

"What is it, Mick?" Len didn't know if he should be concerned again or not.

"I was just thinking about what the kid mentioned earlier."

"About us? It crossed my mind also." Len was clearly concerned. "He doesn't need to know **everything** about our...activities." 

"Exactly, Len; we gotta do something about that." 

"I was thinking Gideon could probably help with that," Len suggested.

"Good idea." Mick looked around the room. "Hey, voice."

"Gideon, Mister Rory."

"Whatever." Mick huffed. "Can you lock out any access to me and Len's criminal records?"

"It is public information," the AI responded.

"But you can." It wasn't a question; Mick already knew the answer.

"Was there something specific?" Gideon asked.

"Anything that has to do with murder," Mick clarified. 

"If you give me a **specific** reason, perhaps," Gideon almost sneered.

"Smartass voice." Mick looked around. "We don't want the kid - Jackson - learning something about us he doesn't need to."

"If you say please."

Mick stood up, dropping Len on his ass. "Sorry, Len." He glanced around, knowing the AI was everywhere at once. "I'm not saying please to you!"

"Mick, you don't want any more trouble with her, do you?" Len snickered. "Or did you forget what happened the last time?"

"Huh?"

"Starched underwear."

Mick was grinding his teeth, but nodded. "Please."

"Then yes, Mister Rory."

"Thanks, voice."

"Gideon, Mister Rory," she reiterated.

Mick growled under his breath. "Thank you...Gideon."

"You are welcome, Mister Rory."

Mick put his hand out and pulled Len to his feet. "Now we can go to bed and if you're a good boy, maybe I'll let you ride me."

"Let me?" Len bit back a laugh. "You have yet to turn me down."

"True." Mick slid his arm around Len's waist and pulled him into another kiss, before they began to walk. "That night at the museum, it sure as shit was a strange one."

"At least we didn't have to kill any hostages."

"I'm glad we went to that dorm, Len; I liked it there. I wish we could have gone to college."

"It was a nice four days spent after we robbed that bank." Len nodded at the memory. "And those kids thought we were Gods."

"Especially after you iced the Dean and put him on display on the third floor." Mick grinned. "And the book woman did give us 90% off every time we went in."

"That Tara was a pistol." Len snickered. "I've never seen you so flustered."

"Maybe when we go back to 2016 we can look them up and make sure they're getting on okay money-wise and stuff."

Len honestly wondered if they would ever make it back, but he was careful not to voice that thought. That article had said they were never seen after 2016.

Mick must have known what he was thinking, because he said, "We probably settled down in another time. No way we're dying until we're at least 120."

Len nodded to him. "I ran into Mary Sue at a coffee shop a few months later." He put his palm up as Mick opened his mouth. "We chatted, no more than that. She knew about us. She told me Tara's sister had a nervous breakdown. And also, if you paid attention to the end of her story she did mention her bedroom walls."

"You gave her your Parka, didn't you?"

"It was the least I could do."

"I'm going to assume that our take from the Dallas robbery went to them also?"

"Along with a case of Snickers."

**~~~~~~~~~~**

The next night at dinner, Kendra and Sara again ran into the kitchen.

"You'll never guess what we found." Sara was waving the pad around like a lunatic.

"Dare I ask what?" Martin asked, adding a 'tsk'.

Kendra grinned. "The _**Wicked RPS**_ site."

"WHAT?!" Len dropped his fork.

"It seems that your, er, friends weren't the only ones who shipped ColdWave - and yes, the name did catch on." Sara was giggling. "Apparently others that saw you together thought the same thing."

Mick snatched the pad and his eyes wandered down the page. "I'm going to bed." And he fled the kitchen like a bat out of hell - with the reading pad.

"Me too." Len quickly followed his partner.

"It's okay," Kendra smirked. "I brought a second one." 

Len seemed to rematerialize in the kitchen and grabbed it. "Gideon," he looked up, "if these turn up anywhere else, I will freeze every wire on this ship."

"Yes, Mister Snart," Gideon replied.

Len waggled his eyebrows and took off again.

Sara waited a few minutes, looking over her shoulder, and then she pulled out a third reading pad.

" _Captain Cold, Heat Wave and the Frozen Tundra_." She looked positively maniacal. "When a job goes south, Leonard Snart and Mick Rory head North. They get stranded in Alaska and snowed in at a remote cabin, but the heat from the fireplace isn't enough to keep them warm...."

Before she could continue the pad went blank.

"I do apologize, Ms. Lance," Gideon announced, "but I'd like to keep my wires just the way they are."

**FIN**


End file.
